Batman doesn’t eat pussy, not even Catwoman’s. Can we applaud the finest hetero lovers in film history, instead?

Before DC released the kind of news that has devastated women since at least the second wave of feminism, I have to admit that I had fantasies of dressing up as Catwoman and finding a Batman. He was my favourite of the DC universe, and I even had the old comic books, a 1960s collection of the old magazines, complete with a mug purchased from a superhero shop in Brighton. However, since the ridiculousness that has been paraded around the Internet by DC, my second favourite couple has zoomed to the top of the list. They have a weirder following than DC (you might say a cult), but one thing is almost certain: Gomez definitely goes down on Morticia. And like the finest sort of heterosexual lovers, on a par with only the best wine (from a European vineyard, as Morticia’s favourite language is French) he enjoys it. Why wouldn’t he? Morticia stimulates his mind intellectually; they share a nurturing kind of love that has never overlooked the importance of passion (and talking to your lover in a second language, however badly). The way he looks at her, his goddess! If only there were more real-life Gomez’s.

Some might say he’s not as ‘macho’ as a superhero, and therefore not attractive, whatever ‘masculinity’ means, anyway. Perhaps it betrays the old-fashioned way of thinking that has been passed down through the Marvel and DC universes since the early twentieth century. The recent news just proves that we still have a long way to go, if the sellers of superhero toys think that a man must only express certain characteristics to be classed as attractive (that appeal is down to the size of your biceps, and not the selfless romantic acts that the best of the males actually see as ‘selfish’, because once again, it’s enjoyable for them). But, as with the most elegant of men, Gomez possesses a fluidity of gender that crosses over, wearing flamboyant clothing, floating around the bedroom with a sword. And you can guess that he’d duel any silly man who thought vulnerability and selflessness were feminine traits. It’s 2021, guys.

You might have thought this article would be tongue-in-cheek, but there’s a layer of seriousness beneath DC’s revelation, that I hope will not go ignored. We’re supposed to be teaching responsible, forward-thinking sex education in schools, but how can we do that, if some of the most revered icons of popular culture won’t be vulnerable with women? How can we teach the next generation that pleasure is only for men? The latest revelation of DC has taken us backwards a hundred, or even two hundred, years. You can bet that Jay Gatsby, in the 19-bloody-20s, thought differently to Batman – he led a stylish life of debauchery and decadence; the flamboyant, and less weird, version of Gomez. It would’ve been Daisy’s conservative, ruthless husband that would have had these sexist views in the bedroom. Perhaps Jay, who was devoted to Daisy, might have thought that a true decline in cultural values was to box men into categories that harm not only women. The truth is, many of us women, including myself, have gone through lengthy phases of adolescence (and even into our early twenties) when we were uncomfortable with the thought that sex might be for us too. And that’s a lot to unlearn. Going down on a woman shouldn’t be about ‘returning’ any favour, and clearly this is backed up by the science that many men enjoy this act. Sure, I have no clinical case studies, but, a woman’s own lived experience is just as vital for this article. Morticia and Gomez understand one another intuitively after years of long-lasting love, but their shared values on everything from Gothic fashion to sex – values that were developed individually – display a compatibility that proves the best lovers were in us all along, before meeting.

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